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A school teacher once a month has a “sticker day.” She gives each child a sticker and asks them to write a story about it. On this day she gave a little boy a sticker with a horse on it, and his story is below.

Jose and Carlos are both beggars. They beg in different areas of town.

Carlos begs for the same amount of time as Jose, but only collects about eight or nine dollars a day.

Every day, Jose brings home a suitcase full of ten dollar bills. He drives a Mercedes, lives in a mortgage-free house, and has lots of cash to spend.

“Hey, amigo,” Carlos says to Jose, “I work just as long and hard as you do, so how come you bring home a suitcase full of ten dollar bills every day?”

Jose says, “Look at your sign, what does it say?”

Carlos’ sign reads;

I have no work, a wife and six kids to support.

“What’s wrong with that?” Carlos asks him.

“No wonder you only get eight or nine dollars a day!”

Carlos says, “Alright, so what does your sign say?”

Jose’s sign reads:

I only need ten dollars to get back to Mexico.

A psychiatrist conducting a group therapy session with four mothers and their young children made the following observations.

“You all have obsessions,” he observed.

 To the first mother, Mary, he said, “You are obsessed with eating. You’ve even named your daughter Candy.” 


He turned to the second Mom, “Ann, your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child’s name, Penny.” 


He turned to the third Mom, “Joyce, your obsession is alcohol. This too shows itself in your child’s name, Brandy.”




At this point, the fourth Mother, Kathy, quietly got up,took her little boy by the hand and whispered, “Come on, Dick, this guy has no idea what he’s talking about. Lets pick up Peter and Willy from school and get dinner.”

Your girl’s hairdo was ruined by a ceiling fan.

You’ve been married three times but still have the same in-laws.

You can’t get married to your sweetheart because there’s a law against it.

Loading a dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.

Toilet paper comes in a stack and is numbered.

Somebody hollers “ho-down” and your girlfriend dives for the floor.

If a tornado hits your home and causes $10,000 worth of improvements.

Someone in your family died right after saying, “Hey y’all watch this.”

You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia boss.

You think a woman who is “out of your league” bowls on a different night.

Daddy walks you to school because you’re both go to the same one.

After an exciting and hot 69 with his wife, Gerry remembered he had a dentist appointment later that day. Afraid the dentist would smell his wife’s vagina on his breath, he brushed his teeth 7 times, used dental floss 8 times, and on top of that gargled with 2 liters of Listerine. As he arrived at the dentist’s office he sucked 5 strong mints.

His turn came up and the dentist told him to take a seat. Feeling confident and relaxed, he opened his mouth wide. The dentist got close enough and said, “Man, did you have to do 69 before you came here?!”

Gerry said, “Does my breath still smell like a vagina?”

“No,” the dentist replied, “your forehead smells like shit!”

Why wait to vote him out? Hang him, from your tree that is. Do it now and get immediate relief.

Last week Crack Dealer’s developer, unorml, bought one of those high-powered sports machines and over the weekend took me for a spin, along with his favorite canine. As usual riding with him was a harrowing event but when I turned around this was the scene in the back seat.

A woman went up to the bar in a quiet pub and gestured alluringly to the bartender who approached her immediately. Seductively she signaled that he should bring his face closer.
 As he did, she gently caressed his full beard.

“Are you the manager?” she asked, softly stroking his face with both hands.


“Actually, no,” he replied.


“Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him,” running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.
   

“I’m afraid I can’t,” he said breathing heavily. “Is there anything I can do?”


 
“Yes.. I need you to give him a message for me,” she continued, running her forefinger across the bartender’s lip and slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.

“What should I tell him?” the bartender managed to say.

“Tell him,” she whispered, “there’s no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper towels in the lady’s 
room.”   

A stunningly beautiful woman walks into a doctor’s office and the doctor is aroused by her incredible beauty and all his professionalism is out the window…

He tells her to take off her pants. She does, and he starts rubbing her thighs.

“Do you know what I am doing?” asks the doctor.

“Yes, checking for abnormalities.” she replies.

Then he tells her to take off her shirt and bra, she takes them off. The doctor begins rubbing her breasts and asks, “Do you know what I am doing now?”

She replies, “Yes, checking for cancer.”

Finally, he tells her to take off her panties, lays her on the table, mounts her and begins pumping furiously and says, “Do you know what I am doing now?”

“Yes,” she responds, “getting herpes - that’s why I am here!”